Unexpected Lessons on the Road

Last month we got in a car accident. Don’t worry, I’m okay as is everyone else. We had a full car with the kids, wife, mother-in-law and dog coming back from a trip over an hour from home. We were stopped, waiting for traffic to clear before making a turn. The car behind us kept going. The whole experience taught me something important about keeping expectations at bay.

First, the nice part. What I realized in reflecting about the crash was how well everyone responded: my wife, family, dog, state trooper, tow truck guy, the other person involved, drivers avoiding the crash scene…even me. Overall, things went down about as well as anyone could have hoped for given the circumstances.

• A Lyft driver was literally 5 minutes away (we were in a semi-rural spot) and he even let us bring our dog in the car for the 75 minute ride home!
• The State Trooper was disarmingly calm, personable and helpful.
• Thinking my car wasn’t drivable, I called a tow truck. Instead of towing me, the technician loaned me tools so I could remove a mangled bike rack and drive home. He missed out on a hefty towing fee, and even refused a tip!
• My kids were on their best behavior.
• Even Koda, our dog, was a good listener, sitting quietly the entire time.

It’s a relief to experience that in a crisis, people can rise to the occasion. This isn’t the vibe you get from media nowadays. What I noticed in myself was a big ego reaction, at first. I was in full protection mode. It was all about my car, my family, my inconvenience. I felt this viscerally and it was immediate. It was all about protection and fear of loss. This lasted for about 30 seconds, while I surveyed the scene and called 911. The stress-induced energy threw me into action-mode. Then, things shifted.

It happened as I walked back to the other person’s car to see if they were OK. A very insecure part of me was bracing for a fight of some sort. Even though I knew we did nothing wrong, how mad were they going to be? Would we be blamed, or worse?

The other vehicle was a commercial van with several passengers. As the driver appeared, I saw that she was trembling and shaking (but otherwise OK). My state of mind completely changed. I instinctively grabbed her hand as she walked away from her vehicle. “Are you OK? How are your passengers? We are all okay. Don’t worry, we’ll sort it all out.” That was all I had to say.

Everyone was indeed fine. The van was so big (with a crash guard on front) that it wasn’t even scratched! I had the police dispatch on the line, and handed her the phone to share info with them. There was no confrontation. Quite the opposite. The only fight was in my own head.

Of course the scenario could have played out differently. The crash could have been much worse. People could have been hurt severely. The other party could have been irate or even violent. All those things are hypothetically true.

Regardless, I come away with a reminder that bracing for an imaginary confrontation is never helpful. It only keeps you from seeing circumstances clearly and responding effectively, in the moment.

Instead of thinking the other driver would be upset or bracing for a conflict, it would have been best to just be with things as they actually are, keeping judgement at bay. It took me a hot minute to get there. Better late than never! In the end at least I had the chance to, quite literally, offer a helping hand.